CLOSED Scribbles of an incoherent mind.

Valerie Modeste

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It had taken her a few days to find a new place in the manor that felt like her free space the same way the greenhouse had. To begin with, she had thought she didn't miss it, but the more days that went, the more she had felt the pull to have her own bubble. So she had taken to wander the mansion. Earlier, it had felt like Marcus's home, and like she was just visiting. Allowed to exist within its walls. But that had changed along with everything else in her life. Now, it felt like her home as well.

Around her third night as a vampire, she had found it. The small library that heavily smelled of old paper and leather. And instantly she loved it. It wasn't huge. Bigger than an office, but not at all what she would have imagined the mansion's library to be like. But it was decorated with a small sitting group of old leather chairs and a table.

The first night there, she had just sat there, reading her book from time to time. But on the second night, she had asked for someone to get her a book she could write in. It seemed like there in the darkness, her mind had been so noisy. All she wanted was to get it down on paper. Her fingers caressed the expensive leather-bound book, like everything around her, only the best was good enough. She could feel that there was an imprint on the front and the back, like a pattern in the leather. And it also came with a small lock in the front. Of course, anyone in her life could just break it open if they wanted. But, it was a clear sign to anyone who cared to leave it alone.



November 6th, 2020.
The Crown.

I keep thinking of when I was a child. Especially the first few memories from before I found my powers. They are such precious memories, and I am afraid that now, with eternity ahead of me, I will forget them. After all, they are the only memories I have of being just human. And with all the years that are ahead of me, will they eventually fade and become nothing? I hope not. Or. I can not let that happen. Not that I am not grateful for my new life, but, one should never forget how they got where they are in life. After all, the journey there is just as important as the goal.

So I think I will write them down.

Save them here between the protective covers of leather. So that even if I one day forget where I came from, I will be able to come here and read them all over again. Maybe in thousands of years, when I am as old as Marcus, the memories I write here, will feel like the story of someone else. It will suddenly read like a fairytale that someone once told me. Filled with heroes and villains of a different sort then normal fairytales. The ones that aren't really evil, but a middle thing. Fighting for something just like the rest of us.

I think I will like this fairytale. My fairytale.

The story of the girl who ran away from home and found a life she had never expected. One she never thought she would master or fit in to.

I think it will be my favourite.


Valerie
 
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Valerie Modeste

Baby Vamp
Staff member
Global Moderator
♞ EREBOS ♞
VAMPIRE
Messages
472
Location
Norway
Neonate
House Erebos
6th Generation
Lasombra
Gender
Female
Apparent Age
21


Still November 6th, 2020
The Crown, Library.

It's the strangest thing. The first memory I have of my childhood is swimming. Most would think it would be the embrace of my mother, or the laughter of my father as he hurled me in the air. But no, swimming.

There is a lake right next to where I grew up. And in the summer, it was the best way to keep cooled off. This was when I still had my sight. I can still remember how my father taught me how to swim, to dive down and how the water stung my eyes as I tried to look under water. I always felt like there was a whole other world down there, one I could never be a part of.

I used to mourn that. That as humans we are so restricted to our one lifetime. We are born like us, and can never be anyone else, no matter how much we try to reinvent ourselves. Limited by our years and our basic personality, we can never be more then we are.

But I guess that is no longer true. Because of Marcus, I am no longer living within the same limitations. If I want, I can stay as long as I want under water. If I want to live another life, I can. I am going to walk this earth for eternity, be many different people. So my first memory is no longer true. The years since has changed my limitations, expanded them.

Making the memory of the little girl that tried her best to live underwater, nothing more than an innocent memory of a child without the full understanding of the world.

I kind of miss it. My innocent mind.

But not even vampires are fully frozen in this world. Everything needs to evolve. Nothing can stay the same all its time. The world is too full of impressions and new experiences.

I wonder how long it will take until I no longer feel that way. Until the world feels like it has no more to offer me.

How many different people will I have been in that time? How many lives will I have lived? Will they all be happy?

Will I ever be the innocent girl that laughed at the feel of water around her feet and smell of flowers in my hair again?

I don't think I will know until I have lived them all. Until I can read their stories again. I don't want to forget any of the persons I will be. They are all precious, all a part of making me who I am. I am not just one of them or some.

I am the whole of all the people I will be, all the lives I will live.

I am excited to meet them all.

Valerie
 

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Valerie Modeste

Baby Vamp
Staff member
Global Moderator
♞ EREBOS ♞
VAMPIRE
Messages
472
Location
Norway
Neonate
House Erebos
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Lasombra
Gender
Female
Apparent Age
21


November 8th, 2020
The Crown, My room.



I have been trying to remember what my first and happiest memory is. My first entry into this journal was so messy, and I didn't feel like I got down the memory. Not that it matters, it was more thought than a memory. I think this one will be more of a memory.

There is nothing special about this memory. Nothing that separates it from any other memories of a five-year-old. It might even be a mixture of several memories, but its the one that makes me think the most of home.


I used to be terrified of lightning when I was a child. The way the light would flash over the sky, and the rumbling sound that made it sound like the sky was falling. It used to give me horrible nightmares. I would easily wake my parents as I woke up screaming and trembling in fear. It was awful. It didn't help no matter what my mother did to try and calm me down. I would just keep trembling until the thunderstorm passed.

Or at least until my dad pulled out an old Accordion from a cabinet I hadn't seen before.

I had never seen him play it before, never even knew that he knew how to play it. But he was soon playing one melody after the other.

I was sitting on my mother's lap. Still crying. Until I looked up and saw the way mother looked at him. Her eyes were shining. It was clear that she knew that father could play it and enjoyed listening to it. And soon she was singing along to the melodies he was playing. I always knew my mother could sing, but I had never heard her sing as she did now. There was a sorrow to her voice and eyes that I wouldn't have expected for such a cheerful song.

It wasn't until years later that I found out it was the first time my father had played in seven years. Apparently, they had tried for a child before me, one that had died young. And it had killed my father's joy of the instrument.

But it did wonders to put me to sleep.

No longer scared of the lightning. Comforted by the warmth of my mother's arms and the cheerful tones of music. I for the first time slept through the thunderstorm. Feeling the love and safety of my parents around me. And from that night, my father would always play the Accordion when it was thunder outside. And my mother would sing along, as she walked around in the trailer, cleaning or cooking.

I don't know if you can call it a proper memory. But as I said, more a mix of several. But this is how I wanna remember my parents. Singing and dancing together in the trailer.

I hope they still do.

Valerie

 
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Valerie Modeste

Baby Vamp
Staff member
Global Moderator
♞ EREBOS ♞
VAMPIRE
Messages
472
Location
Norway
Neonate
House Erebos
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Lasombra
Gender
Female
Apparent Age
21


November 11th, 2020
The Crown, Library.


Letter to my mother that I will never send.

I am sorry mother, but I am not coming home.

I think you already knew that, but I feel like I need to say it again. Like I need to say it both to you and to myself. I know you will never read this letter. I will never even send it. The world I am living in now cannot be exposed to you. But somehow, I need to tell you I am not coming home again.

There was a time, just a short one. Where I thought I might go home. A time before I came here, before my life changed so drastically. But now I know better. The Valerie that was your daughter is dead. She died on an altar surrounded by the undead on all Hallows Eve.

I know that is not what you want to hear. Not the end that you and father wished for your daughter. I know you guys never had any more children, wanted to give me all your time and love. So I know you are alone now.

I am sorry mother, I know you wanted grandchildren.

But I never did. I never wanted to pass on the curse I was living with. To have to kill and kill trying not to go insane. As voices whispers in your mind, and it feels like bugs crawling underneath your skin. I never wanted a child to have to live with that. And now I will never have children of my own. In my new world. Life is not created, but transformed from something else. They will never be your grandchildren though.

I am sorry that you and father are alone now.

But you are still young. I hope you try again. I hope you have more children, many of them. Children that are healthy, that can keep the family line in check and give you all the grandchildren you wished for. You would be an amazing Grandma mother. I can imagine your curly dark hair all peppered with tones of grey. Always having some sweet baked treat to give to hungry toddlers. You deserve to have grandchildren. And I am sorry that I could not give them to you.

I am sorry mother and father. But I am happy here, so I am never coming home.

I am in love with an amazing man, who is showing me a world I had never thought existed. And he has promised me the world. What more can I wish for? I can do amazing things now, and I have made incredible friends.

I know it is not the life you wanted for me. But it's the life I choose for myself. A life I am in love it, and I am happy.

I wish I could tell you all these things. That you could know that I am alive and happy.
But I can never come home. So it is better if you believe me dead.

I will always love you and I am grateful for the life you guys gave me.




Valerie
 
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Valerie Modeste

Baby Vamp
Staff member
Global Moderator
♞ EREBOS ♞
VAMPIRE
Messages
472
Location
Norway
Neonate
House Erebos
6th Generation
Lasombra
Gender
Female
Apparent Age
21


November 12th, 2020

The Crown, Library.

I think I was around 5 when my parents knew I was going to go blind. Since I was so young I don't have many memories of being able to see. I can remember my parent's faces, the colour of the sky in summer. I remember how my home looked, the flowers around in the forest and how beautiful I thought the first owl I ever saw was.

I wonder if that is why one of my forms turned out to be an owl. Because of the vivid memory, I have of the one I saw as a child.



The last memory I have of my sight is the summer before I turned 7. I am not sure why I can't remember seeing anything after it, because I was still months from complete darkness. Maybe it's because the memory is so filled with light.


I had just gotten out of the water from having been swimming. The sun was scorching warm and I was laying in the grass drying off in the heat. I looked up and at first, it was just a blur, then in a clear moment, I could see the sky. It was completely bare of clouds, just small smoke like dots of bright white against the powder blue sky. I remember thinking I had never seen blue look so warm. As if the sky was reflecting the warmth of the sun.

I turned my head so that I could look directly at the sun. The light was so bright that it made my eyes water. But I just knew that it was my last chance to look at it. So I did. For as long as I could, until my eyes hurt and tears were running down my cheeks. Then, I closed my eyes. Since then I can't remember anything but darkness.


Strange, I don't think I can remember the last time I felt the sun on my skin. I can remember seeing it for the last time so clearly that I can still imagine my eyes watering. But I can't remember the last time I felt it. And now I never will. Maybe I should have taken more care in making memories like these. Maybe the darkness was coming for me all along. Maybe my blindness was just a means to prepare me for the future that was ahead of me.

I think that has to be it.

Every other child I know has been afraid of the dark at one point in their lives. I never was. The darkness felt comfortable. Like something enveloping me in a safe bubble just for me. It taught me many things. To appreciate the things I had, to trust my other senses. The darkness listened to my hopes and dreams, it nurtured me and became my closest friend.


I think that's why I never had a chance against Marcus. He became the embodiment of the darkness I had walked beside all my life.



Valerie.
 
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Valerie Modeste

Baby Vamp
Staff member
Global Moderator
♞ EREBOS ♞
VAMPIRE
Messages
472
Location
Norway
Neonate
House Erebos
6th Generation
Lasombra
Gender
Female
Apparent Age
21


November 13th, 2020
The Crown, The Informal Sitting Room.


Today I forgot that I am no longer human. I decided to sit in the small informal sitting room I found. I don't even think that Marcus has used this in a while. But I like it, the feeling of the room is warm and comfortable. Maybe I will ask Marcus to put in UV glass here, just so I can feel a bit of the warmth from the sun while sitting here.

I had already decided that I was going to write more today. It seems I have spent quite a bit of time doing that lately, and on reflex, I asked for someone to bring me a cup of tea. Bless the people who work here, because none of them even blinked and did as asked. It wasn't until after I got it and I was about to drink from it that I remembered...

It's just standing there now, I can still smell the warm water and the herbs that are soaking in it. In a few minutes, it will be cold.

I should probably feel sad about things like this. But I just feel stupid. There are so many things in my new life that I need to get used to. So many new rules that I need to learn, both about this world and myself. And still, there are so many parts of my humanity left that I wonder about.

I still feel suddenly hungry. Not physically like I did before, but I can suddenly feel a craving for macarons or the crumpets that Gabriel showed me. It's like a memory, telling me I should eat, when I know that is not what I crave.

When I walk around barefooted, I catch myself thinking I should put on socks so I don't catch a cold. Except that I will never be sick again.

I also still have human needs.

Or, what feels like human needs. I think they are just memories mixed with new feelings. It's so hard to tell the difference sometimes. It is especially bad around Marcus. I still feel everything I used to feel for him, except that now there are more. There is this pull towards him at all time, this song inside me when he is near. I keep expecting my body to react to his presence, to grow hot and needy for him. Until I remember that my body can't do that anymore.

But I still remember. I remember our kisses, how he could make me shiver with nothing more. I remember how his touches set fire to my blood and made my knees weak. Making me feel a longing to feel like that again. I still want pleasure and a lot of it. But now, its often mixed with a biting thirst for blood. The craving for the blinding pleasure of the feeding. And at the same time, I want him close.

I am so confused. There are so many emotions inside me now. Both old and new ones. How will I ever be able to separate what is a longing for old memories and what are my new emotions?

Will I ever stop thinking of kissing him and immediately feel the burning thirst for blood?



Valerie.

 
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Valerie Modeste

Baby Vamp
Staff member
Global Moderator
♞ EREBOS ♞
VAMPIRE
Messages
472
Location
Norway
Neonate
House Erebos
6th Generation
Lasombra
Gender
Female
Apparent Age
21


November 14th, 2020.
The Crown, Library.


14 days...

I have been a vampire for 14 days now. It feels like so much. And really, I am still just a newborn. Even my embrace feels like a dream I once dreamt.

Then my awakening as a Psychic Vampire was worse. A lot worse. That has never felt like a dream, too riddled with guilt and shame. There was none of that from my embrace. Maybe because I knew I wanted it. That I wanted eternity with Marcus. Maybe it was because the need for blood when I woke was stronger than my guilt and still are.

Actually. The longer I am a vampire. The less guilty I feel about the depraved thoughts and feelings I have.

In the beginning, I didn't feel guilty about my powers. In the beginning, I even thought it was a blessing. I used it to heal every cut and damage of my people, they even celebrated me and the fact that I was able to do this. But eventually, it started to go wrong, my powers diminished and I knew I wanted more.

There is this special thing that happens to Psychic Vampires if they go low on Ephemera. It feels like the fabric that keeps your sanity together is slowly deteriorating, like something is slowly eating away every logical thought in your head. Like with everything, it starts out slow. Like just a small buzzing in the back of your mind, slowly making you more and more agitated. Then it's the physical discomfort. The feeling of bugs crawling underneath your skin, pick, pick, picking at your nerves.

That is what is going to make you feel like you are going insane. Anger, hunger, frustration, it all mixes together into murderous intent. And for me, it finally went wrong. I didn't know what was happening to me the first time. All I could think about was the buzzing and crawling, over and over until it felt like I could lash out at anyone at any time.

I am so sorry Thomas.

You were a sweet boy that meant me no harm. And I knew you had a crush on me, always leaving flowers for me outside the trailer. I wish I had never hurt you, that you had never followed me into the forest that day. I think if you hadn't, my life would have been a lot different. But you did. Wanting to profess your love for me.

I am so sorry. You should have fallen for another girl. One who wanted to bear your children and get married. Not a hellspawn married to the darkness, that suddenly in a fit of anger attacked you and killed you. I am sorry Thomas, you deserved better than that.

Then I screamed. I tried everything I could to revive you. Your love for me got you killed, and I knew I had to leave. Never again would someone's love for me get them killed, and even that promise to myself I wasn't able to keep.



I am sorry your death was for nothing. I wish that I could say it changed me, made me make sure I never hurt anyone again. But it seems like all it did was push me further into the darkness. Lead me towards the fate that was coming for me. I have felt the unnatural blackening of my fingers several times since then. Some have deserved it, and some have been innocent. And I will again. Because I no longer feel guilty about it. I want to hunt, I want to kill, and if I am doomed to live off the blood of humans. I might as well feed on their life force as well.

I can't spend eternity in guilt.

Guilt is for humans, not Kindred. And especially not HIS Queen.



Valerie.
 

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